


Dear Hawke

by TCRegan



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2018-01-13 01:05:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1207105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TCRegan/pseuds/TCRegan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders' final thoughts put to paper before that fateful night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Hawke

Dear Hawke,

I wanted to begin this letter by telling you that I love you. By the time you're finished reading it, you might not believe me, but that's okay. These last few years with you have been some of the best of my life. I'm still not entirely sure why you put up with me, with my preoccupations. I've always told you I would break your heart, and I suppose this is when that promise gets fulfilled.

If you're reading this, I'm likely dead. I might be imprisoned but that doesn't seem to be a very good possibility, considering what I must do. I don't expect you or anyone to understand why I took the course of action that I did and my only regret is that I lied to you to get to this point. You are, and always have been, stronger than myself. It's not something I truly appreciated until this moment.

I've spent the last ten years or so trying to get people to understand, to see why the Circle is not a solution. I've spoken with the Libertarians, penned letters to the grand cleric, spoken out openly against the injustices the Chantry causes. It led to nothing, so I had to be subversive. Freeing mages out from under the very noses of the templars. Many would call me a criminal. Some a hero. I'm neither of these. I am simply doing what must be done.

I could tell my story, but who would listen? Who would care? Who would say that it wasn't for my own good, that my magic was dangerous, that **I** was dangerous? The tale of a twelve year old child who was ripped from his mother's arms, a mother who was crying, begging the templars not to take her baby boy. My father, a man who so easily turned me to my future tormentors simply because he was afraid of me. I don't blame him now. I did for a long time, though. I feel nothing but pity for him. The anger in me is burned away. Perhaps it is Justice, acting as a siphon for my rage. I know not why I can feel it no longer, only that it is gone.

I was nearly at the end of my life when we met. My purpose, my cause was ending very soon. It was all going to come to a head. And as you read this, you're probably looking for answers. You deserve those answers. I'm sorry I can't give you any. They were right about me, Hawke. Fenris and Sebastian and Aveline. My cause, the cause of mages, means more than anything, even us. The lives of thousands of mages across Thedas are held precariously in the hands of those who'd call us monsters. Beasts. A danger to ourselves and to the rest of the world.

Ah, perhaps I am not the best mouthpiece. I took a spirit into my soul and changed myself and him forever. The road to good intentions as they say… I know you'd snap at me and tell me I'm wrong, that I did it to help the mages. And you'd kiss me and hold me and promise me that you'd help. You'd read my manifesto and suggest a word change here and there, correct my spelling or my grammar. For all my time and experience with the trade tongue, it still trips me up. You'd smile and laugh and hold me tightly, promising me that this will change the world.

I don't know why you'd do all this for me, spend all this time making sure I was happy. I know you'd say it's because you love me, but I am not an easy man to love. Or perhaps I simply don't see myself the way you do. I wanted to. But I know what I am. What I must do. What the world will see me as. A monster. A freak. A murderer. But you've only ever seen me as a man. Flawed and tired and broken. But a man worth loving.

You've made the last few years of my life worth living.

Despite it all, despite everything, you stayed at my side, as you probably are now, reading this. I wonder if you feel betrayed. It was never my intention to betray you. I've always tried to make my intentions clear, with the exception of the very last thing. That too was an act of selfishness on my part. I didn't want this on your head, didn't want this falling on your shoulders. This is – was – my burden to bear. If it was your dagger that ended up in my back, know that I don't blame you. I did what I had to do, and you did what you had to do. Only know that I am so very, very sorry that I hurt you. If I could change it somehow, do this some other way, I would. But it's how it must be, my love. Sometimes poison must be burned directly from the wound.

I ask one last thing of you. I know, I'm also selfish when it comes to this. But you have to trust me – though I know that's asking a lot.

Move on.

Find someone worthy of your love.

While my own selfishness decrees that I be the only one to receive a love so thorough, honest, and pure, please don't shut yourself off. For the love that you bore me, that is my last and dying wish. Find someone who can love you as completely as you have loved me.

I am so, so very sorry it had to end this way.

I give my life for something greater than either of us, greater than anything. And in ten years, or in a hundred years someone like you will love someone like me and no force in Thedas will be able to keep them apart.

I love you. I will always love you.

Yours eternally,

Anders

**Author's Note:**

> A rambling bit of stream of consciousness that I had to put down, trying to encapsulate the resoluteness of Anders, having a cause that's bigger than yourself, that's more important than love. Thanks for reading!


End file.
